Embracing Self-Worth: Connecting Values and Identity
Have you ever had moments in your life where you have felt lost? That sense of who you really were as a person felt so uncertain and you felt so alone in that moment? If you have ever been there, you are not alone. I have been reflecting on the idea of identity, what it means and why we allow people to undermine our sense of self; that worthiness and confidence that we are ok just as we are.
Not long ago I had to walk away from a toxic work situation. I knew if I didn’t make a serious change soon the consequences would be severe. Not just to my physical and mental health, but to the positive relationships around me. It was so hard, mostly because how I perceived my value as a person was wrapped up in how I performed at work.
The startling reality was it didn’t used to be that way. I used to be a person who was able to see work as work, do a good job at it, but go home and live the rest of my life. The work environment I left was saturated with people who believed that work was the most important thing. More important than any relationship (because who needs relationships outside of work anyway?). For a long time I managed to hold onto who I was and to ignore the negative influences. Unfortunately over time I started to get sucked into the competitiveness and the control. I started believing the lie and it started poisoning me little by little.
Walking away was very difficult. For a long time I had put my identity in what I was achieving. With that came the idea that having a “good reputation” and being in a high visibility role was incredibly important. Walking away affected my sense of self, my sense of belonging and worth. The worst thing was I allowed others to dictate who I was and what my worth was. I allowed their opinions to have power over me.
Now that some time has passed and I have gained perspective and found healing, I’ve realized what lies I believed about myself. I allowed people acting out of their own brokenness to control and manipulate me. I let the opinions of people I didn’t respect take much more weight than they ever should have.
So how do we find this sense of identity, of who we are and what we value? How do we keep out the opinions of others, in a world focused so much on our outward appearance? We are told by the world that we are not successful enough, not beautiful enough, not skinny enough or not rich enough. How do we deal with those times that we don’t totally fit in with those around us? How do we accept ourselves when it feels like we’re not acceptable to others?
Understanding what your Identity is Based on
The world tells us that our identity is based on external factors. What we have accomplished, how we look, how popular we are… the list goes on and on. Identity should not be based on the opinion of others, but should be based on who we truly are. As a person of faith, I believe that God loves us for who we are. He created us just as we are, He thinks we are beautiful and He loves us as His Creation. That means that we are acceptable just as we are. Not based on social standing or achievements- we are accepted and loved unconditionally.
It’s a powerful thing when we believe that we are loved and accepted. Whether or not you believe in God or not, believing that you are accepted just as you are is vitally important. I honestly find it a struggle to truly believe it and to own that belief. How much time and energy do we waste striving to be something we’re not, or thinking that we have to prove that we’re ok? If we believe that we are accepted and loved, we can be focused on the life we want to live instead of spending all our time looking for acceptance and love from a critical and competitive world.
Stepping out of Codependency
I’ve been reading a lot lately about codependency- I’m currently working through a book called “Codependant No More” by Melody Beattie. It’s such a toxic thing living in co-dependency as it often means we are giving up our right to make personal choices. Instead we are choosing to allow the actions of others control our lives. It’s allowing ourselves to play the victim instead of realizing that we have power in our current situation. In the case of identity, we choose to live under the opinions of others, when really all that they are is opinions. We didn’t ask for them, they are worth what we paid for them (which is nothing) and we need to make a choice whether we live under them or not.
This being said, I think it’s important to surround ourselves with good people that can give us advice, challenge our assumptions and help us through our struggles. The key is that it is based off of mutual respect, love and connection. Having people judge us, talk down to us and discourage us when we know that we need to live our values and convictions is soul destroying. We must choose not to give power to these people, to their options or to their negative actions.
It is important to try to avoid toxic influences when we can, but sometimes they can’t be avoided. I believe that through awareness we can start seeing this negative behavior and be more intentional in our interactions. It requires bravery to be able to say no to the control of others, but the alternative leaves us living in an inauthentic way. This can lead to feelings of hopelessness and depression. We always have a choice, even when we don’t feel like we do. The question is do you choose to take control? It may mean a hard conversation, the ending or break from a relationship, but what’s in the balance? Do we live a life controlled by others, or do find peace in being ok with ourselves and living the life that we truly want?
Discovering who you are and what you Value
In my personal journey this year I have found it fascinating how much my perspective has changed about life. I gave myself permission to try new things. I am working at a golf course, which is vastly different from my career as an analyst. I started this blog. I started taking art classes to develop my art style, and selling my art pieces for the first time.
Every one of these things took more courage than I thought I had. I was terrified to step out of my comfort zone and really try. My very first art class I dealt with so much internal personal doubt. The feelings of “I don’t belong here” and “I’m not really an artist” permeated my first days in those classes. Thankfully I was in a class with an amazing group of ladies, a fantastic instructor, and through that week long art course I started to realize that not only could I do art but that I could be successful at it. I look at where I’ve come in the last year in my art skills; it’s really quite incredible to see the progress I’ve made.
Giving myself permission to try and explore was a huge step for me. To see what I liked and didn’t like about an experience and to be thankful for the lessons I learned. It was taking away my preconceived thoughts on a situation and just trying it and seeing the experience for what it was- an experience. Some things in this last year have been very successful and have turned into greater passions, others have shown me that there are things that I would or would not like to make into a career. It’s been an interesting journey and every time I have stepped out in self-discovery. I have made some important realizations about myself. Self-exploration is so important. Knowing who we are, our likes and dislikes, the things we love and don’t love helps us figure out what we value. Understanding what I value and what is important to me changes how I show up in the world and how I deal with the unwanted opinions of others.
Values are like a Compass
People can have their opinions, but when you know your values, it can work like a compass. It keeps us on track understanding the things that are important to us. It keeps us from getting lost, from looking to the opinions of others for our sense of purpose and guidance. Instead, we evaluate these things against our values and decide for ourselves if there is any truth in them or if it’s isn’t useful to us. We can take what is valid and throw the rest of it away. This also allows us to accept ourselves more. Instead of feeling lost and not sure who we are it gives us purpose and focus. We can choose to accept ourselves and our values, realizing that others may not understand or accept our values, and that it itself is alright.
