How to Become Unoffendable and Live a Happier Life
Have you ever thought about how to become unoffendable and live a happier life? It’s been on my mind recently. This month as part of my reading plan for 2020 , I finished the book “Unoffendable” by Brant Hansen. This book gave me a lot to think about and has definitely changed my view on how I look at offense.
Are We Easily Offended?
One of the questions that we all need to ask ourselves is “Are we easily offended?” I would like to think that I am not easily offended, but recently I’ve become aware that I’ve picked up the habit of offense from those around me.
Habit of Offense
I truly believe that we can learn a habit of offense. I think it’s something that can slowly work its way into our lives if we are not vigilant about it. In one of my previous workplaces I was surrounded by people that were very easily offended. They were offended by posts in their Instagram, what another person wore to the office that day, or someone inconveniencing them in some small way.
By being around those who are easily offended, it is hard not to be infected with their behavior, even when we don’t agree with it. I found that often I would get dragged into other people’s offenses. I was expected to take a side and to be offended with them. As much as I tried to avoid these situations, over time it can color our interactions with others.
I realized that this is something that I needed to work on in my life. I had read an article about Brant Hansen’s book and I knew that I needed to read it for myself.
Learning to Let Go of Anger
Part of becoming unoffendable is learning to let go of anger. We often become offended because we are angry. Perhaps someone has hurt us, or we have had a frustrating day. Anger is an emotion that we feel, but we need to realize that it is just a feeling. This does not mean that we should avoid or repress our feelings of anger. The question is what we do with that anger?
The problem comes when we move from anger into offense. Instead of dealing with the hurt feelings or the feeling of injustice, instead we turn it into offense. We find a target for our anger. The problem with this reaction is that it doesn’t solve anything, and it definitely does not bring us happiness or peace. We leave the situation with bad feelings and resentment which only hurts us.
It’s Often Not About Us
We feel offense because someone has not considered our feelings, but it’s often not about us. There have been times in my life where I have held onto offense. When I have gone and talked to the person, they had no idea that I was offended or even that they did anything to hurt me.
Misjudging Other People’s Motivations
We can get focused on the anger and hurt which can lead to misjudging other people’s motivations. We actually don’t know their intentions. We can’t actually see what is going on in their heart or minds.
By choosing not to judge other people’s motivations we can avoid living in offense. By trying to understand their perspective and by showing grace we can build relationship instead of animosity. Instead of being offended, choosing compassion. Instead of being angry, we can show empathy.
The Importance of Showing Grace to Others
I had an example this week of the importance of showing grace to others. I was in the doctor’s office for an appointment and a woman came in with 4 children. She seemed quite rushed and she was apologizing for being late because the bus didn’t come. She was trying to keep her kids social distancing because of COVID-19 and was trying to be considerate of others. Because she had her children with her, there was a person that had to wait outside the office door due to waiting room limitations.
I felt a lot of compassion for her. She seemed flustered and was trying to do her best. No parent really wants to take 4 kids on the bus to the doctor. I am assuming that she didn’t have much of a choice in the matter, and I felt a lot of empathy for her.
Once she was called into a room with her kids, the person who was standing outside the clinic door came in. I smiled at her; but she was busy rolling her eyes and was shaking her head at the mother with her kids. I was surprised by her reaction, but it made me think about offense and how she was judging the motivations of the mother.
The funny thing is, she went up to the counter and was asking for assistance to remember appointment dates that she had not written down. She expected grace from the receptionist as she was trying to sort out her appointments. The thing was she wasn’t willing to extend the same grace to the mother in the waiting room.
Showing Grace
It made me think about the importance of showing grace to others. If we want to be given grace and mercy from others, we need to choose not to take offense and to show them the same grace and mercy.
I don’t share this story from a place of superiority. To be perfectly honest, there have been lots of times where I have been either the mother or the irritated women. We all have moments where we don’t show grace, but it’s something we must practice and try to work on in our lives.
Changing Our Expectations
By changing our expectations we can work towards becoming unoffendable. We expect others to act in way that shows kindness and respect. Unfortunately we live in a broken world full of sin. This world of ours is not the way it was designed to be. Every time I see the news, I am reminded of this.
Expecting everyone around us to act in an ethical and self-sacrificing way all the time is not possible. We should not expect the world to be something that is not. People tend to look out for themselves. We all have brokenness inside of us. We don’t always act right towards others, so should we really expect that people are going to be kind to us 100% of the time?
By changing our expectations it can help us to see that we aren’t perfect and neither are those around us. It’s not about being cynical or jaded, but we must realize that we live in a fallen and imperfect world that needs redeeming. When we realize this, instead of being offended every time someone is unkind to us, we can be grateful when we receive love and kindness from others.
Live a Happier Life
By becoming unoffendable we can choose to live a happier life. Offense is completely exhausting. It takes up our emotional energy, which can be spent on much better things. By choosing not to be offended, we can find a way to start an authentic conversation with the person that has hurt or angered us.
By choosing the path where we love others and where we seek to understand, it can make such a difference in our lives. It is choosing to stop wasting out emotional energy on things that bring division and instead seek to find a way to move to a place of gratitude and grace.
This doesn’t always mean that the situation is going to end well. You can only control yourself, not the actions of others. But by choosing to be unoffendable, we can choose to live a happier life.
Being Unoffendable Takes Practice
Being unoffendable takes practice. It is easy to fall into the habit of offense without intending to. Being unoffendable is not something that we can choose to do and implement perfectly every time. It’s a daily practice to choose to be unoffendable and to show grace and love.
In my personal life, there are many situations where I have found myself falling into offense. We must make that decision in the moment of choosing to not be offended, of realizing that the behaviors of others are not my responsibility. By taking these steps daily to choose love, grace and mercy over offense, I believe that we can live happier, more genuine and more fulfilled lives.
How About You?
How about you? I’d love to hear what you think about this topic and how you are choosing to be unoffendable in your own life. Please feel free to leave a comment below, or to contact me directly.
