Building Meaningful Connection During COVID-19
Building meaningful connection during COVID-19 has been the question coming to my mind lately. We could say that now that we are in close quarters with our family and loved ones, it would be easy to build connection. In reality, that’s not always the case.
As I have been talking with friends about COVID-19 I’m noticing that the pressure of our new normal is starting to affect people, including myself. In the midst of the pressure of working from home, keeping kids entertained and completing school online, finding a new normal has been challenging for many of us. For those of us that cannot work from home or aren’t working at all, that brings a completely different scenario to our lives.
For myself, I do love being home. But as much as I love it, it can start feeling claustrophobic. In Alberta we are still getting snow, and not being able to spend much time outside is especially hard.
Building Meaningful Connection
So as the pandemic continues on and more restrictions are put in place to try to flatten the curve, how do we react to this? How do we find our new normal? How do we let go of the fear, stress and stir craziness that comes with this time in life?
Building Trust
Now that we are spending so much extra time with our family members, it can be great time or challenging situation depending on the foundation that has been laid. We can sometimes take advantage of our family members and our relationships. We sometimes assume that since we are in the same room together we must feel close. That is not always the case and it is necessary to ask the question “How deep is our connection and trust?”
Building trust takes time. It is not something that can be built overnight; it can take a lifetime to build. I have been reading the book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. One of the concepts that really stuck out to me was the idea of building trust in relation to vulnerability. In her book, she gives an analogy of a marble jar when talking about trust and connection.
The marble jar starts out empty. When we have positive, high trust interactions with people, more marbles are added to the jar. When negative interactions or hurtful situations occur with that person, we take marbles out of the jar. Through experiences and time that jar should hopefully continue to fill. As Brene Browns says, “Trust is built one marble at a time.”
Eroding Trust
There are moments in our lives where we feel the eroding of trust. Brene speaks about how the eroding and betrayal of trust can sometimes come quickly. We can be betrayed so deeply and completely that we can’t come back from it. This would be the equivalent of smashing the marble jar. The relationship is destroyed and there is no going back.
Brene also speaks about a different type of betrayal, the betrayal of disengagement. I believe this type of betrayal is not addressed often enough. Through this disengagement, what truly erodes trust is not being seen by the other person. We need to feel seen in our lives. We need to feel important and loved. When we experience the betrayal of disengagement, trust erodes and is replaced by hurt and shame.
In these moments where we feel invisible and that we are not seen, it can make us think, “What’s wrong with me? Am I not loveable? Why am I not worthy?” This can allow shame to creep into our lives and replaces connection and trust with hurt, anger and betrayal.
The Trap of Disconnection
The trap of disconnection is an easy one to fall into. The busier our lives become and the more things we stuff into our already limited time, the easier for us to be unaware of our effect on those around us. We may not realize that those closest to us need connection with us more than anything. By dealing with the next momentary crises, we can miss out on opportunities to connect with our loved ones who need our love and attention.
The difficulty of disconnection is that it is insidious. We often don’t realize how bad things are until they are broken. Once trust is gone, finding connection takes more work to repair and the damage might not be repairable.
How does Disconnection Apply to COVID-19?
So how does this disconnection apply to COVID-19? Without trust and connection things like COVID-19 can cause relationships to fall apart. If the foundation of trust is missing, instead of supporting each other, we can fall into petty arguments and disagreements. This destroys connection instead of building trust.
As the pandemic has continued on in China, we are seeing the results of what broken trust looks like. The divorce rate has skyrocketed in China and the aftermath of living in quarantine together has taken its toll.
How to Build Trust (and not end up a statistic)
How do we build trust and connection if it’s something we haven’t worked on recently? It is easy for all of us to fall into bad habits. We don’t always connect well, and don’t always spend time with those me love in quality ways.
Be an Active Listener
Active listening is a key skill for life. Being an active listener isn’t always easy. It takes time and slowing down enough to really hear. It can be easy to be distracted by other things around us. To be an active listener, we need to realize that we can’t multitask and listen well. Active listening requires our full attention.
To be an active listener, it is important that we really listen. This means that when someone is speaking we aren’t figuring what we are going to say next. Instead it is listening fully to what the other person is saying, processing it and taking it on face value. This should cause us to pause, because if we really are listening, we shouldn’t have an instant response to the other person.
Listening requires us to put down the things we are currently working on and give the person your full attention. When I was really struggling with active listening, one of the things I learned was to make eye contact. When you have to face the person and make eye contact, it’s amazing how much you hear when you truly listen.
Active listening is a tremendous sign of respect. It shows that you want to engage and connect in a meaningful way. It is making the choice not to be distracted by the things around you. By focusing on the person and what they have to say shows by your actions that it is important to you. There are few things as important as being listened to and being seen by another person and feeling truly heard out.
Activities that Bring Connection
With COVID-19 becoming more widespread and the number of people affected growing, finding inside activities that can bring connection can be difficult. I love being outside, but I have been careful where I am spending my time. I’ve made a point to visit some of the less popular parks around the city. It’s been wonderful because I haven’t run into many people during my walks. In Alberta they had to close the provincial and national parks because people were not taking the practice of social distancing seriously.
So what do you do when you are inside for long periods of time? Learning a new skill is always a good thing. There are many places online where you can learn creative skills, including this website. Your local public library has many online resources, so make sure to check out your local library to see what they have available. Here’s the link to my public library https://calgarylibrary.ca/
I also like playing board games, especially collaborative ones. During this time, choosing activities that bring us together is important. You may want to reach for a collaborative board game over a competitive one. Choosing an activity that lets you work together with your family is always a great way to build connection.
Whatever you choose, whether it’s a hobby, skill or activity make sure that it is something that brings positive connection with others.
Giving Others Space
To try to maintain good connections during this time, giving others space is just as important as time together. Time together almost is always a good thing, but we must also realize that others may need time away to recharge. As an introverted individual, having quiet time to recharge is important.
During this time, many of us are working from our homes, sometimes with other family members working from home as well. Ensuring clear communication and showing courtesy to each other while working in the same space is important. I’m fortunate that I have access to several workspaces in my house, so that I can help my husband stay focused as he works. When he has conference calls, I can work in another space so that can concentrate and focus on his work.
It has been a nice change having him working from home. We both do our work, take our lunch breaks together and the non-existent commute is a very nice change of pace. The key has been working to make sure that the other person has the space they need. It’s being flexible and understanding, knowing that I may need to change my habits to accommodate the other person.
By showing flexibility and love through our actions, it can make our time at home much more pleasant during COVID-19. We are in the middle of a pandemic, but this crisis does not have to define us. On the contrary, it can give us the chance to love others and act with grace and kindness. Instead of tearing us apart, it can build us up.
How About You?
How are you finding connection during this challenging time? What habits are you starting to help you build connection with others? I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject and on this article. Please comment below or contact me directly.
