Dealing with Loss During the Holiday Season
The holiday season is upon us! This season can bring with it many positive emotions, joy, peace, and special moments with family and friends. It’s a great time to create some cherished memories. But for many of us, Christmas can be a very bitter sweet experience. It can be a time of revisiting loss in our lives. From broken relationships, the death of loved ones or just wishing that situations in our lives were different than what they are can bring some unsettling feelings. Today I would like to talk about dealing with loss during the holiday season.
Finding Acceptance
So how do we navigate our way through some really tough feelings? How can we experience joy despite the fact that things may not be ideal? The first step is to find acceptance.
Acceptance does not mean that we like the situation, or that we approve of what is happening to us. Instead it is understanding that in this moment, we will accept the situation that we are in. It may be imperfect, but it is also just for the present moment. This moment will pass and we will be able to move past it, to something better.
We find acceptance by realizing that our holiday season may look different. That yes, it might not include a person that you wish was in your life or a huge family gathering. It is realizing that it can be peaceful and meaningful in its own way. We all want to feel like we have a place in this world, and sometimes the holiday season can be especially isolating. Seeing the opportunity and beauty in the quiet, peaceful moments is an important step towards finding acceptance and choosing the life we want.
Working through Loss
Working through loss is especially difficult thing during the holiday season. It might be the loss of a loved one or a furry family member. Maybe it’s the loss of a dream. Perhaps it’s wishing that you had a spouse or child to enjoy the holidays with. It’s wishing for the one thing that you want more than anything in the world, but not being able to have it.
Not only is loss difficult, but it can often feel like there is a hole that cannot be filled. It can seem that everyone else has a place to fit, and perhaps you feel that you don’t. Sometimes it can also feel that people don’t understand the loss that you are dealing with.
It is important to recognize and understand the 5 stages of grief. It’s important to go through the feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance when dealing with loss.
It may be months or years since the loss, but sometimes everything can come back again like it was yesterday. The process isn’t a linear progression, you may feel that you are over the loss and then the depression may come again. You may feel like you’ve accepted the situation, and then the anger comes back. All we can do is work through the process and understand that it is a process not a destination or achievement.
During the holiday season these feelings can be stronger than ever but it’s important to realize that they are just feelings. We don’t need to judge these feelings or feel like we need to hide them. Choosing to acknowledge the pain of the emotions helps us to move past them. They will not go away overnight, but having the courage to embrace the loss and working through the pain can bring with it great healing.
Making your own Traditions
Being a more sentimental person, I find starting new traditions over the holiday season can be very helpful in dealing with loss. An example of this is could be a broken family situation that does not allow you to have Christmas dinner with your entire family due to a change in circumstances from some kind of loss. Instead of focusing on the loss of that tradition, you can build a new tradition of having dinner with friends that you love and care for.
Perhaps your tradition includes having a special meal together. Maybe it is going out to a Christmas event around the city. It could be as simple as looking at Christmas lights and going skating at an outdoor rink.
Sometimes traditions can be continued to honor a person’s memory, but it can also bring back some painful memories. It’s important to realize that these are complex emotions and that stopping an old tradition or starting a new one can bring with it unexpected feelings. It is important to understand our motivation behind starting traditions and how they are a help to us.
As I get older I find that I miss some of the Christmas traditions that I had as a child. Instead of dwelling on what I do not have anymore, I found new traditions. There is no reason to deny ourselves special moments. Instead we can build new memories during the holiday season. I find that these new traditions make me so grateful for that I have.
Avoiding Isolation through Connection
When we experience loss, this brings with it the loss of connection. When we acknowledge this, it can help us prevent becoming too isolated in our personal lives. There are always opportunities to connect, but they do require effort.
If you are feeling isolated, find a place to volunteer that will get you connecting with like-minded people. Visit a senior’s residence as there are many people that do not have family or friends to visit them over the holidays. Go to a local market and talk with the merchants, I have found many times I’ve had great connections with artists and other creatives just by striking up a conversation.
Another way of avoiding isolation is reaching out to others. Often if you let others know of your situation, often they will find a way to include you. When I was in college, my parents always opened their house to my friends that might not have a place to go on Christmas Day. After college, I started to open up my home on Christmas Eve. I would attend church and have people over afterwards to play games and eat together. Instead of looking at Christmas Eve as something that was isolating, I found a way to make it a chance to connect with others.
How about You?
Loss is a very difficult thing for all of us, but over time it does get easier. I would love to hear your thoughts on this article, if it is helpful and if you learned anything from it. Please contact me here or write your comments below.
